Worry

As a wife and mom, I think that worry is part of the job description.  We worry about our husbands, our marriage, our children, our family, our friends, you name it and we probably worry about it. 

The worry cycle tends to hit me late at night right before I try and sleep.  In the stillness of the night, when all of the craziness of the day stops, the little voice in my head starts up.  You know the one…it's the tiny little voice that starts to question every decision that you made that day.  The funny thing about this voice is this:  once you pay attention to it, it gets louder and more obnoxious. 

Fear of the unknown is the main theme through all of my worry.  Especially if our family is under stress, this cycle seems to be exacerbated.  Did the electric bill get paid?  Are we going to be within our budget this week?  Is Pat (my husband) happy with me?  His job?  Is he going to be able to keep this job?  Are the kids safe?  Healthy?  Happy?  Am I doing enough as a wife? Mom?  Friend?

You get the idea.

Pat and I have been married for almost 6 years now.  It seems that we have gone through more in these six years than most couples do in a lifetime.   We have had job loss, child custody issues with my husband’s children, a deployment, birth of our children, several major moves, tragic loss of beloved family members, health issues, serious kid issues, my Mom’s cancer, (not once, but twice!), and financial hardship just to name a few.  There were many nights that I was not able to sleep…I would worry.  And the crazy thing was that I was worrying about things that were completely out of my control.

Growing up, my Mom always told me that “God is not the author of confusion.”  I never got it.  One day not too terribly long ago, I was pouring out my heart to my Mom on the phone.  Things were just crazy in my house, and I was not handling it well.  She told me it again…and this time, I heard her. 

“God is not the author of confusion, but of peace…”  (1 Corinthians 14:33)  It took me some time to work this one out.  So if God wasn’t the author of confusion, who was?  Ooooohhhhhh.  Sneaky little devil.  Really?  Satan?  It all just made so much sense.  Who else would love to undermine my marriage?  My family?  My belief in myself?  My belief in God? My faith?

Once I came to this realization, it was amazing how quickly my worries weren’t so big or so many.  God wants us to trust him.  Period.  He wants us to trust in His plan for our lives and for our families.  Is it easy to do?  No…especially if you are a control freak like I am.   Even better, He wants our worries.  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  (Matthew 11 28-30)

I have learned that when that little voice starts, it is time to start praying.  I pray with an open and exposed heart and give it all to God.  I tell Him everything that I am worried about, no matter how silly it seems.  I pray for strength and wisdom so that I may make good choices.  I pray for my husband, my children, my family and friends.  I ask Him to forgive me of all of my many shortcomings and to help me do better the next day.  My prayers usually end up more like a conversation that I would have with my best friend, except for one huge difference.  I trust God to take care of it.  All of it.  It is out of my control and it’s His to deal with. He has never let me down, and I know that He never will.   

After I pray and lay down my burden, the voice is quiet.  My mind is at peace and my soul knows that my Savior and Heavenly Father are going to take care of everything.  Then I close my eyes, give thanks, and rest.

-Andrea Kahn, MOPS mom